


Tears

by embolalia



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Episode: s03e22 Posse Comitatus, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-25
Updated: 2002-08-25
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embolalia/pseuds/embolalia
Summary: CJ has to deal with Simon's death and nothing's making it easy.





	Tears

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

 

Tears

Rating: PG-13, I suppose, though the way things are rated nowadays...

Pairing: CJ/Simon

Category: Angst

Spoilers: Posse Comitatus and the episodes leading up to it

Summary: CJ has to deal with Simon's death and nothing's making it easy.

Author's Note: I haven't done too many of these, so please let me know what you think! Thanks to Taylor, for being my beta

~~~

Friday

"Boss? You planning to do a briefing anytime soon?" Carol stuck her head into CJ's office at T-2 to air time.

"Yes, no need to be insolent," CJ teased. "I have to wait for-" Her throat closed.

"Yeah?" CJ didn't respond. "For Simon?" Carol asked gently. She was no fool, she'd been watching her boss fall in love with the agent for the last two and a half weeks, but hadn't seen any sign of CJ's reaction to his death yet.

"Um. I have a briefing." In one smooth motion, CJ rose and left the room.

~

"CJ! CJ!"

"Um. Mark!"

"Can you tell us how the president's meeting with the Qumari defense minister went?"

"It went fine. The president received a hand-carved incense burner."

"CJ! CJ!"

"Tom!"

"Do you have any response the picture taken the night before last of you and Simon Donovan kissing, before his death?"

Her heart stopped, her stomach dropped and she held her breath. "I..."

"Were you involved in a relationship with Mr. Donovan?"

"The white house doesn't comment on the social lives of its employees," she said, in the firmest voice she could muster. Only two days after Simon's death, she hadn't seen this coming and cursed herself for not being ready.

"Yeah, but-"

"In any case, we are- were. Two single adults over- surprise- the age of eighteen, with no legal constraints on our relationship. It's none of your business." CJ held her breath as the next set of hands were raised, but, blessedly, no one returned to the subject of her and Simon.

~

"Thank you all for coming. Given the tragedy two days ago, I thought this would be appropriate," Leo said, addressing the half of the senior staff on time for the mystery meeting in the oval office.

"And which tragedy would that be? When Simon was shot or when we sacrificed our morals?" the president asked sarcastically. The others gave him questioning glances; Leo glared him to silence. POTUS rolled his eyes.

Leo continued. "As some of you know, Stanley Keyworth is a trauma therapist, and I've met him a couple of times, so I asked him to do a group session with us. So if the rest of you can get your asses in here..." Josh entered at that moment.

"You've gotta see this," he said breathlessly, turning on the television to the preset news station. It showed CJ's comment of a moment before and an image of her in Simon Donovan's arms, only hours before his death.

"Oh god..." sighed Toby.

"Yeah," said Josh, "the only thing I can't figure is, where were the signs?"

"Right in front of us. But she hadn't...damn it! She hadn't been like this in so long, I wasn't sure... and I couldn't think who she'd have fallen for..."

Josh looked up, surprised, at Toby's outburst. Sam looked scared.

Stanley spoke up for the first time. "Toby, obviously you know CJ well, but try not to take too much guilt on yourself- you're all feeling upset right now about Simon."

"Her more than any of us, right? And I didn't even notice."

"Well," Stanley began diplomatically, "As she said in the briefing, CJ's a grown woman. Surely this isn't a first heartbreak for her."

"It might as well be," Toby said softly.

"Huh?" Sam was startled into his first contribution to the conversation.

"What Sam means is, please elaborate," Josh said, serious despite his mocking tone.

"Do you remember the craziness of love, Josh? Sam? Of course you do. But CJ has been solely among people she can't look emotional or overly feminine in front of for most of her adult life. And since she valued her career, she learned to discretely avoid romantic entanglements. So two things happened; she became lonely, and she forgot. She forgot how giddy the beginning of love makes you, how the happiness is unlike anything else...and how much potential it has to hurt you, to cut right to your soul. She forgot. And so when she was finally with someone she could love, she didn't protect herself, didn't hold back. Didn't keep a piece of herself apart to comfort the rest just in case. And so it has to have crushed her, to lose him."

As he finished speaking, Toby turned to meet the gaze of each of the men in the room. Halfway through his turn, he saw CJ standing at the doorway to Leo's office. She looked stricken, on the verge of tears.

"Oh God, Ceej-" He cut off as she turned and fled. He stared after her for a long moment.

~

CJ reached her office before the tears came, but only barely. Late for the meeting, she'd stopped to get the gist of the conversation before entering- just in time for Toby's analysis of her soul. And he'd struck damn close to home with it, too. She'd been more forward with Simon than she could remember being before- because she couldn't think of a good reason not to be. And even when she'd thought she'd met rejection, and felt a shadow of the pain he could cause her, CJ hadn't drawn back. She couldn't regret it though, for she had found a connection with him. One she would have given anything to let mature into love. The tears streamed down her face as she closed the door and the shades and sank onto the floor against the wall.

Knock. Knock.

CJ's head snapped up, eyes wide, as a voice called out her name.

"Abbey, it's not-" she started to reply, but her voice gave away her tears, and the first lady quickly entered the room, shutting the door behind her as she took in CJ's state.

"Jed thought it might be a good idea for me to come see how you were."

"Oh, Abbey." She started crying harder and Abbey pulled her up onto the couch and cradled the younger woman in her arms.

After several minutes, CJ's sobs quieted, and Abbey stroked her hair softly. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I don't...I don't know where to start."

"Did you love him, honey?"

"I-I was starting to." She met Abbey's gaze tearfully.

"This happened while he was on your detail?"

"No. Well, yes, well-. I started falling for him while he was guarding me, but nothing happened until-"

"Until the photograph?"

"Yes..." CJ straightened up from the awkward position of leaning on Abbey's shoulder and sat back on the couch so that she could meet Abbey's eyes. "Once we knew it was safe...things happened. And it was incredible, Abbey." Her face was transformed by the remembered happiness for a brief moment, and Abbey suddenly realized how much it was that CJ had lost. CJ's gaze fell. "Well, it could have been..."

"I know it hurts, but remember, darling, that you don't really know, it could have been a big mess in the end- don't dwell too much on what might have been." Abbey scrambled frantically for words that might relieve her friend's pain.

"I could have spent the rest of my life with him," she whispered. And there was the rub; CJ, who had had no real loves for so long, might well have spent her life with this one, Abbey knew. They could have had a big wedding, and maybe babies...Abbey found her own heart aching in sympathy for all the hopes and hidden potentials stolen by the fates.

"Did you just have that moment in the photograph?" Please, she begged God, don't have been that cruel to this daughter. CJ shook her head and blushed. Abbey raised her eyebrows. A thought occurred to her. "Is that where you were at intermission, then?" CJ was bright red, now.

"You see, Abbey, he found me, and..."

~

The Wednesday Before

"CJ," he called from across the crowded concession room. She turned and met his gaze in an instant. For the last two and a half hours, she had been letting her imagination run wild about what this night might bring. His eyes as they met hers confirmed so many of her hopes. She saw such admiration and respect there, and a healthy amount of desire that salved some of the rough spots on her ego.

He stopped a few feet away from her, and she looked at him in startlement, for they'd certainly become comfortable enough to stand closer than this. "There're several reporters and both of our bosses in the room," he responded teasingly to her expression, "maybe we should be just a little discrete." CJ smiled back and chastised herself for not having been aware. It was unlike her, but she was so twitterpated tonight.

"Besides, Simon, you've confessed a desire to kill me," she teased. "So I suppose _I'd_ rather you stay back, too."

"I would never hurt you." Simon said, quite serious. CJ's jesting faded into tenderness as she looked up at him.

"I know." She glanced around. "Is there..." she stumbled over the question and looked down at her feet, "is there somewhere we can go and be alone?" Before she could look up and gauge his response, Simon's hand was at her elbow, steering her artfully through the room. "I thought you'd never ask," he whispered at her with a grin. CJ grinned back.

A few minutes and some quick small-talk later, he guided her into an unused conference room in a fairly isolated part of the theatre.

"So what did you think?" she asked, suddenly awkward now that their relationship had changed.

"I wasn't really watching the play," Simon replied, and CJ raised her eyes to find his directly on her, telling her exactly what- or whom- he'd been watching. Secure in that response, she stepped closer to him.

"I couldn't really focus on it either, I must admit." They smiled at each other for a long moment, then instinctively leaned closer and closer to each other. CJ pulled back at the last moment, only an inch, not wanting to initiate too much, too often. To her great satisfaction, Simon made up the space between them, and their lips met.

At first the kiss was gentle, but quickly deepened as the two lonely souls found solace from the world in the pleasure and happiness of each other's arms. Intensity didn't become desperation, for although the potential was simmering, neither could afford to look mussed, and in any case, there would be time for plenty more, later. Rather, the kiss became a slow exploration that warmed them and filled them with a sense of the wonder of their love.

CJ thought to herself at that moment how perfect it was, how exactly this was what she had hoped for when she'd begun to realize that what she felt for Simon was more than annoyance. And CJ relished the kiss, musing that she hadn't been kidding when she'd complimented his height- she was an inch shorter, even in heels, and had to lean up just a little to reach him. Just like all the girls in the movies, even if on a higher scale. CJ smiled against Simon's lips and whispered her thoughts to him between kisses. They were as comfortable together as long-time lovers.

At last, they parted for air.

"God, I can't remember the last time I made-out during a show," CJ whispered teasingly to Simon.

"Well, technically we're not missing anything yet," he joked back, breathlessly. Just then, the lights flickered, signaling the end of the intermission. Simon smiled down at CJ at the timeliness. "But I suppose you ought to go back to the show now."

"I could always play hooky, no one would be likely to notice." Simon was on the verge of agreeing whole-heartedly, CJ could see it in his face, but then he stepped away from her slightly, to look her in the eyes as he spoke.

"That's true, but...I don't know what will happen tonight, CJ, but all I have to do is file a few papers at the field office, and there won't be any constraints on me from any perspective. I'll be back to meet you for that drink." He smiled tenderly at her, and CJ was overwhelmed with the emotion that held them in its grasp, and at how much she was looking forward to that night.

CJ nodded. "I'll see you in a few hours then," she whispered. He kissed her gently, and they left the room, putting distance between them again. As she reached her seat, CJ turned to look back at him at the top of the aisle. He blew her a discrete kiss, then grinned and waved as he left the theatre.

~

"When Ron came to tell me, I didn't believe it for a minute or so. I'd been daydreaming through most of the second act, and I fully expected him to have come to tell me that Simon was back and didn't want to wait for the show to end to go out," CJ broke off as the tears filled her eyes again as she recalled the second at which the words had been spoken, and her soul had recognized them as true. 'CJ, Simon was shot and killed.' So plain, and yet those words tore at the fabric of her heart, tore it out.

Watching CJ's face, Abbey reached out again to stroke her friend's hair.

"I think maybe Toby was right..." CJ said miserably.

"About what, sweetie?"

"He said that the reason I had so little hesitation in love was that I'd forgotten what it was like to be in love. But I don't know, Abbey. I was reckless, perhaps, but I don't think I'd forgotten love, though it's been so long..."

"Well, what about Danny?"

"I knew I could never love Danny, from the beginning. So I let it be about lust to distract myself. You remember. But to be falling for someone I was allowed to fall for..."

"And Toby?" Abbey posed the question hesitantly, wanting CJ to believe that she and Simon had had something unusual, not merely a forgotten joy, but Abbey was unsure of what the response would be. She got less of one than she had expected.

"Whatever is between me and Toby is...is not this forceful. And anyway, it's never really been romantic. Nothing's ever been this romantic, Abbey. I'm sure of it! I'd never have forgotten...I think."

"But why should that matter so much anyway, honey?"

"Because I can't ever forget Simon, and if I did- then I could hurt like this again someday, over someone else." There was terror in CJ's voice as she spoke the words.

"You could anyway." CJ looked at her, frightened. "Even if you love slowly- and I assure you you'll love again- there's always a potential for pain that comes with love. And your lack of caution made both available to you. If you hadn't loved so easily, you might have had no time at all with Simon, and there's no way to go back now. And no matter how afraid you are of it, love finds you. So mourn, but don't let it isolate you." CJ looked thoughtful, and Abbey hoped that CJ could see meaning in the flow of words that she had slung out in a desperate attempt to offer relief. They were quiet a minute, then CJ stood.

"I have to get cleaned up; I have a meeting in a little while." From a greater distance, Abbey could see the mascara that streaked CJ's cheeks and rose to leave.

"Will you be alright, sweetie?"

"Eventually, Abbey. That's the best I can do." CJ offered the hint of a smile, and Abbey nodded in sympathy.

"I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow, then." CJ flinched, and Abbey kicked herself for having reminded her.

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

The door closed behind the first lady; more tears fell on both sides.

~

Saturday- Arlington National Cemetery

CJ watched as the dirt was shoveled in. She had only vague recollections of the ceremony, except that the blue sky was wrong.

"Hey Ceej," Josh's hand at her elbow alerted CJ to his presence.

"Josh." The last corner of the coffin was covered, and she abruptly turned to face him.

"I wanted to see if you were okay. I mean, yesterday..."

"I'll be alright, Joshua. Just give me a little time."

"Did you...really love him?"

"Thanks for the time there, Josh." He flinched and went to apologize, but CJ continued, starring at the mound of dirt before them. "There was just so much opportunity for us, Josh. Like if you and Amy had had the night on the steps-"

"How do you know about that?!" Josh interrupted.

"Margaret. If you'd had that night, and then she'd left. Forever. You wouldn't have known then there'd be trouble later, so..."

"So. Yeah. God, I'm sorry CJ."

"Mm. Leave me alone for a while, Joshua."

"'Kay." Josh left quickly, his quota of emotional seriousness having been used up. With him went the last straggling members of the crowd.

 

CJ sank to her knees on the grass. The stone before her read 'Simon William Donovan 1964-2002'. Four feet away from her and some five more below was a box. In that box was the body of the man she had loved, yet he felt farther away than ever. She sat, pensive, for an interminable period.

"Miz Cregg?" For a moment, the inflection seemed startlingly familiar, and CJ's head snapped up, but standing near her was only a young black man, Simon's 'brother', Anthony, she recalled.

"Hey," she said softly, brushing away the few tears on her cheeks. She'd known better than to wear mascara that day.

"Miz Cregg, I wanted to tell you that- he really liked you. 'Cause I don't know if he got the chance to tell you himself. That picture, though..." The boy grinned, then sobered.

"He told me." CJ smiled faintly in remembrance.

Anthony nodded. "He didn't have much of a will, but I've got a key to his apartment, and they told me I could go through. I think he'd have liked you to come too."

CJ was surprised at his thoughtfulness, but quick to respond. "Yes. I'd like to see it."

~

They pulled up in front of an apartment in DC a short while later. CJ had been relieved to find Simon's 'brother' a careful driver, after his jest only a few days before.

The two didn't speak much on the way up, other than directions. Anthony quietly let them in and went into another room, leaving CJ alone.

Simon's presence was strong in the air, telling her yes, he fit here. She would have too.

The main room was plain, but with a masculine elegance. Comfortable, as well. CJ sank into an armchair, fisting her hands tightly as if to fight the sudden thought of how many times he had sat in this place. She looked down. Splayed out on the coffee table were pictures- of her, a silent testimony to her presence in his thoughts. CJ rose restlessly and began to wander. Bathroom, kitchen, study: all with pictures of her stuck here and there. She took one of him from a frame.

The Anthony called out to her that he was leaving, and to lock up. CJ murmured something in response, then braced herself to enter the bedroom.

The room was painted cream, with a wooden floor and a dark-stained frame bed. The pale covers were twisted from when Simon had last slept among them.

CJ closed her eyes as the images flashed through her of how else Wednesday could have ended, of being in that bed, in Simon's arms. She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts away as her tears began to fall. They wouldn't go, and so she sat on the bed, then curled up, surrounded by his smell and the blankets' tight embrace. She lay peacefully, sobbing, for a long time.

When she left, the tears on her cheeks had dried.

~~~

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